This year God has really been challenging me to do things and go places that I have never gone before. He has asked me to do things that I have asked him to not make me do. But I gave my life to him and I am willing to do whatever he asks of me. This year has been a tough one.

All my life I have had to deal with many female problems. I had surgery a few months ago in hopes that it would fix everything. I asked God to heal me during the surgery and let me wake up new. It didn’t really happen that way. The surgery fixed some things but not everything. I have asked God to heal me for seventeen years and I am still asking.

My dad died a few months ago also. Why God? Why did you have to take him away now? I’m not married,I haven’t had kids yet,I still need him and I want him. I loved my dad and you had to take him away so unexpectedly.

Sometimes I feel like I am starting to lose who I am. I’m not really sure what my purpose is or what God wants me to do. I feel like I am trying to please everyone else and no matter what I do they are still not pleased. I feel like others see me as this person that i’m not. Who am I?

Yesterday God told me that he is giving me something new and he is going to use me in a whole new way. He told me to fear not and to just walk. He told me to use all the gifts that he has given me with authority. He is there with me and I am never alone. I just need to trust him with my body and fears. I still don’t understand everything but I know that he has it all worked out. He also told me that he is going to use me in a new way in Mexico…that really excites me.

I went to prayer yesterday and God told me all of this through other people. I kept asking God to speak to me and he really spoke!

You’re Not Alone

I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and now I’ll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
saying

You’re not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I’ve never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I’m the one who’s loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You’ve had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
saying

You’re not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
oh,my love I’ve never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I’m the one who’s loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true… Forever
For my love will carry you….

You’re not alone
for I… I am here
let me wipe away your every fear… Oh yeah
My love I’ve never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I’m the one who’s loved you all your life
All of your life

In a few weeks I will be leaving for Chapala,Mexico. I am so exciting to be finally going back. My church went last year for a mission trip and we are doing it again this year. I am a little nervous but very excited.

It’s a little bitter sweet this year though. Last year my dad was very excited about us going to Mexico. We would write each other back and forth while I was there and then when I got back he brought me pink roses to the airport. It’s going to be different this year. No dad and no pink roses. I am very excited but I know that I am going to have to face a lot through the week while I am there. A lot is going to remind me of my dad and how things are now different. I know that I can get through it though. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I love challenges.

Lydia,you are in my prayers and I love you. Be safe and I can’t wait to see you in a few weeks!

Daddy and I

Lately I have really been struggling with my dads death. I am feeling sad,lonely,unprotected,and alone. It’s really hard not having that father figure in your life. It’s hard not having that male figure that you can go to when your hurt because a guy hurt you or when you just want to sit on his lap and talk about everything going on in your life. I miss feeling protected,loved and wanted by a dad.

My dad used to always do little things to make me smile. We used to stay up really late at night just talking. I loved talking to him so much. I miss laughing with him and talking about old memories. I miss dressing up every Sunday morning and hearing him tell me that I looked beautiful. I loved hearing his approval. I miss having him. I miss everything about him. My heart breaks for him.

Right now I guess I just have to be sad because I am not really sure what else to do at the moment. I can’t just get over it…I miss him and I want him back so bad. We had our ups and downs but nothing can break the love of a father and a daughter…not even death.

I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

1 Peter 3:3-4

3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

As a Christian women I am always asking the Lord these questions, who am I and who do you say that I am?

The bible says in 1 Peter that I should not only care about my looks. I shouldn’t try to capture men with my looks or dress immodestly. But the verse does not say that I am not supposed to look nice. It does not mean that makeup or exorcise are sinful things. But it does say that our beauty should not come from outward adornment but inner.

It also talks about having a quiet spirit. After asking God what that meant he gave me this.

A quiet spirit to me means listening,loving,laughing,creating a sweet environment that everyone would want to be in and living out a Christian life.

I want to be a women of the Lord,I want to have a gentle spirit,I want to listen more than I talk,I want to be slow to anger,I want to be a good wife and mother,I want to put others before myself,I want to have more faith,I want to love my enemies,I want to be unselfish,I want to love unconditionally, and I want to trust without fear.

I am imperfect,sometimes impatient,stubborn,not always forgiving,sometimes selfish, and I don’t always act like the Christian who I want to be. But I know that God is pleased with me anyways and he still loves me. He knows who I want to be and he helps me everyday to be that person. I have given myself completely to God and I know that he will mold me into who he wants me to be.

When I was at kingdom culture I was blessed with a beautiful little kitten. We found it on the side of the road and I adopted it. I fell in love with the little guy and named him mission. I felt really connected with him. He reminded me of my dad.

When I was little my dad found some cats on the side of the road. He didn’t really like cats but he did it for us. They grew up to be healthy and sweet cats. We lost them in a house fire in 2004. We have more cats now but I have never really loved them like I loved the others.

when I found Mission I felt loved. This little kitten needed love. I loved and cared for it as much as I could…I felt needed. He was doing really well and I thought he would make it. This morning when I woke up he was dead. It was really hard. I tried to save this little guy and I failed. It felt good to have a little thing that loved me as much as I loved it. This little kitten even made me feel close to my dad in some odd way.

I was sad and very thoughtful. I felt like God gave me this kitten…so why does God keep giving me things whose purpose in life is death? God knew that right now I couldn’t handle death…even if it was just a animal.

It has been a hard day but I am blessed. God gave me something to love. I got to love something who had no love and needed it. Mission got to die with someone who loved him instead of dieing in the hot sun on the road.  This is my baby…

My love

This week I went on a mission trip downtown called kingdom culture. It was amazing. I love serving the Lord and living in his presence every second of the day. I learned and gained so much.

When you give yourself to the Lord Satan is going to try to change your mind. I loved kingdom culture but it was also a challenge. Satan was really fighting me this week. He kept feeding my lies. He kept telling me once again that I am unloved or unwanted….I am not good enough. I know that I am not good enough but why does God have to rub it in my face? By using many people God showed me that I am not good enough but thats ok because he still loves me…he is pleased with me anyways. I need to stop believing the lies of Satan and believe the truth of the Lord. I even shared this with the group up on stage one night. I was so nervous but God gave me the right words to say. It was awesome.

It’s hard to write about kingdom culture because it’s hard to but the amazing wonders of the Lord into words. All I can say is God did some powerful things and I am so amazed by him. Even when things are hard in the presence of the Lord is where I want to be. One day I woke up during kingdom culture very discouraged and once again fighting the sadness of losing my dad a few months ago. I was sad and angry because I felt like nobody could understand. I just wanted my dad to be there with me. I wanted to talk to him and tell him everything that I was doing. I had a hard day but I knew that I needed to praise the Lord during the good and the bad times. When I did God really revealed himself to me. It’s still hard but i’m working on it.

This week was amazing and I plan on writing about it a lot more.  I just got back a few hours ago and I am exhausted so my brain is not working. I will write more about it later on…God bless!

This week Satan has been fighting me quite a bit. A lot has been going on and sometimes it’s just to much to handle. My fathers death has been heavy on my heart and mind lately. I am starting to go through the motions of feeling pain,loss,good memories,bad memories and most of all confusion. I have so many questions that I want answered but sometimes the answer that you get just isn’t good enough.

This week I have been struggling with feeling unwanted,unloved and the fear of being left. I am a big people pleaser. I struggle with fearing that if I don’t please people they will no longer want me. If I am not perfect they won’t love me. I hate it when people are disappointed in me or upset with me. It breaks my heart more than anything. It also can add a lot of stress.

I have really been fighting regret ever since my dad died. I wish I could have been a better daughter and I wish that I wouldn’t have let fear keep me from showing my dad my love for him. I feel so guilty. I feel like my dad didn’t want me because I was not a perfect daughter. I know that my dad loved me but deep down I am not so sure.

I feel the same way about God. I wish I could be better. I wish that I wouldn’t sin and displease him so much. How could God want me?

Today,God began to remind me how much he loved me. He told me that he was pleased with me and that I need to believe that and trust that. I believe that God can heal the sick and move mountains… So why can’t I believe that he loves me? God reminded me about the word faith…all I need to have is a little faith. God loves me and my dad loves me. All I need to do is believe it.

It’s still hard but I am walking it out and God is going to get me through. He will never leave me…I will never be alone. Even on days like today when everything feels so hopeless. God will always be there and he will always love me even when I feel unloved. I am so thankful for my God. I love how he is always there and how his love is unconditional and everlasting.