I have moved out of the shock stage of my dads death and living without him is the hardest thing that I will ever do. I miss him so much…I never thought that I would need him this much. He understood me,he listened to me and he loved me. My dad and I had are hard times but nothing could ever make us stop loving each other.

Halloween is coming up and it is going to be one of the hardest Holidays to live through without him. Every Halloween we would go to Garden Ridge and look at the Halloween decorations. Me and dad would press all the buttons and try on all the masks. We would buy Halloween coloring books and candy and go home and color while Watching Hocus Pocus. The house would be all decorated and every night we would watch a scary movie on the 13 nights of Halloween on family.

We used to go to Barnes and Noble and read and look at books. I loved sitting and drinking coffee with dad. I miss walking downtown with Him in the winter. I miss going to the beach with him. I miss him loving me and believing in me. I miss having a dad. I miss feeling protected. I miss having a father and man in my life. I miss him staying out til late at night looking for my shoes…long story haha. I miss not feeling lonely. I hate being fatherless. I hate that he will never see me get married or have kids. I hate that he will never meet my kids. I hate that he won’t see me graduate. I hate that he didn’t see me go to Mexico this year. I hate that he isn’t seeing me grow up. I know that God is my father but I am human and want a human father. I have to remember though that he was never mine and that he belongs to the Lord and That he knows best…but it’s still not easy.

Life is hard right now. I miss him and nothing can make that go away. I can’t wait until the day that I see him again. But until then I will be waiting and remembering those days when everything was perfect.

I’ll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.

In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The children’s carousel;
The chestnut trees;
The wishin’ well.

I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day;
In every thing that’s light and gay.
I’ll always think of you that way.

I’ll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I’ll be looking at the moon,
But I’ll be seeing you.

I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day;
In every thing that’s light and gay.
I’ll always think of you that way.

I’ll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I’ll be looking at the moon,
But I’ll be seeing you

I am back from Mexico! I had so much fun. We did a lot of work and it almost killed me but it was so worth it. I got to see some old friends and make some new ones. We did a lot of work in the orphanage,boys home and in the church. The boys at the boys home were so sweet. They knew that I couldn’t speak Spanish so they did everything possible to help me understand. Chapala,Mexico is such a beautiful place. The people are so sweet. I am so blessed to have been able to visit Chapala,Mexico. Everyone in Mexico are so unselfish. They were always willing to give us there food,water or blankets just so we would be ok. The kids are blessings. They would hang on us and love on us all day. I loved it! We got to meet up with some old friends also. Carlos and Horacio we met last year and they still remembered us this year. We keep in touch with each other over myspace and it’s awesome. They even learned some English for us. I am still recovering from the trip. I am a little sick but getting better. I am hoping to live in Mexico next year for a month with some girl friends. We are looking at houses and  starting to prepare for it. Be praying!

Tomorrow I will be leaving for Mexico. I am so excited and so ready to go. Right now I am exhausted and can’t even think about work but I know that God is going to give me all the strength that I need. I can’t wait to see the kids at the orphanage. I have missed them so much and I am so ready to see them again and love on them.

God has really done a lot in my heart the past few weeks. I have learned so much. God has really shown me how possible it is for him to be my daddy. Sometimes he put’s dad figures in my life and sometimes he does it all on his own. When I am scared or nervous he calms me and when I need a shoulder to cry on he is there.

One night when I was babysitting I had a terrible anxiety attack. I was babysitting pretty far from home and it made me a little nervous. I had a long day and being alone that night wasn’t really what I needed. I started having a huge anxiety attack. I was missing dad and when I had that anxiety attack it made me miss him even more. My dad was my security and with him gone I felt like I had none. I started crying and asking God to help me. Right then I felt his arms all around me and I felt safe. The anxiety went away and I felt the strength of God flowing into my body. I knew even through the hardest times I really could make it. Everything really was going to be ok. Even when I felt weak I was strong through the power of the holy spirit.

Sometimes I wonder why I am having to go through all of this. I began asking God why again. I just wanted to understand…

I started thinking about some of the scences in the dark night. How the joker was able to take such a strong man and break him down and make him question everything that he believed in. When things got tough and he lost everything he gave up and turned to the dark side. All Batman wanted to do was save the world yet he took the blame for everything.

God remined me how thats what Satan wants to do to us. He wants to break us down and make us turn away from God. Even though I can’t always see and understand the goodness of God I know that he is good. All he wants is the best for us its just that we don’t trust him.

I won’t let Satan break me down. I am willing to go through much more than this for my Lord. No matter what it is. My circumstances can’t possibly
Change who I forever am in Christ.

One of my favorite songs is Jesus bring the rain-MercyMe
This is my favorite part of the song…I try to live these words out everyday.

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there’ll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that’s what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I know that God is going to take care of me no matter what happens. He has brought me many blessings through the pain and hard times and I know that he is going to bring me many more.