You Cannot Paint

“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced for self is the only prison that can bind the soul…”

My Focus has become weak, my sleep has become distant and my certainty has become silence. A simple task has become equivalent to writing a book. I feel as though I am standing in a interrogation room and the spotlight is on me. When I run you chase, when I beg for your silence you mock me. You know every moment, every emotion. Nothing is hidden, nothing is left untouched. There are pictures and files spread across the table…my memories ,my thoughts. How did you get them? I try to turn away but you are always there.

You hold up a picture of my father. These pictures are all to familiar. They aren’t the happy kind but the ones that I keep secret. These are the memories that I try to forget. You remind me of every word, every fear, every regret. You call me a coward of a daughter. I left him alone, I abandoned him. You tell me that I hurt him and broke his heart. I look up at you with tears in my eyes only to see shame in yours…

You show me another picture and my soul finds peace. I know these people. This photo reminds me of the safety and love that I was able to find again when I almost lost it. I can only smile at these people smiling back at me in the picture…if only it wasn’t just a picture…if only you were tangible. As I hold this picture close you remind me of loss. You remind me how fast someone can be taken away or how fast someone can choose to walk away. When I look back at the photo the faces begin to fade…

The room is getting louder. I hear the sound of a baby crying. There isn’t a memory to go with this sound but something that I don’t recognize. My heart begins to hurt. It is not a physical pain nor a mental one…It is one that I don’t yet understand.

As I go towards the child you grab my arm and I feel paralyzed. You tell me that I can’t go,that I won’t leave. I break free from you determined to run. You laugh and say that I won’t go. When I turn to take a step forward I stop, I can’t move. You released me…why can’t I move. The room becomes crowded with movement and sounds. I can’t escape. I fall to the ground with my face buried in my hands. The room is so loud but I can still hear your voice. Your calling out every fear, every insecurity, every secret. How do you know me?

The noise stops. I look up to see your shadow standing over me. I see your hand beckon me over to the light. I was stunned when I saw the person standing in front of me. I fell to my knees in complete shock when I realized that this person was indeed myself..

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“–so long as I get SOMEWHERE,”
(Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland