Fix You

Dear blog family,

it has been a while since I have posted. The lord has definitely had me on a journey these past few months. To be completely honest the past few months I have been dealing with depression,doubt and completely re-thinking life. This season has been one of the hardest but one that has been so completely humbling. 

I have posted a few times about the health problems that I have been facing the past few years. Some of which I have been dealing with my entire life. To make a long and complicated story short some of these problems went away last year and have been gone…until now. This really brought me into a place of fear and made me question the work that I thought the Lord did in me. Was I not healed and if I was what did I do to make the Lord take it back?

I pondered these questions for a few weeks. Satan began speaking lies into my life. I began to fear him and even wondered if the lies he was speaking to me was in the end going to come true. Was he really going destroy me like he was threatening to? Every day became a battle. I was not eating,I was not sleeping,the tears would not subside and my body was beginning to slowly turn against me.

Through this time I began to fall on my face before the Lord and literally crawl to the cross. I started confessing my sins to the Lord and asking him for his love,mercy and forgiveness. I don’t think I could even begin to find the words to describe this point in my life that was completely broken yet almost peaceful. I mean, there was nothing peaceful about this battle yet deep in my heart I knew there was something stronger that I knew wouldn’t stop fighting for me. I had to believe that.

I continued to ask God Why. Why was this happening to me? Why would he allow such suffering? When would it end? I will never forget the moment that I walked up to my mother with fearful tears in my eyes and asked her if it was true that God would never give me more than I could handle…was it possible for me to be strong enough to bare this? I felt as though I was hitting rock bottom but during those dark moments there was always a certain peace that made the next day possible for me to continue.

I began asking the Lord to show me his promises for me. I am now trying to go back and write these promises out so that I will never forget them. I felt the Lord give me so many but here are a few that will always be so fresh on my mind…

“Beloved, I want you to fight for it” 

“You think that I did a good work in you before but wait until I finish it”

“I will restore you and redeem you”

“Beloved, this has never held you back. You lack nothing”

“Beloved,you are no longer broken,you are no longer captive”

“You are forgiven”

This process has really been a refining moment for me. This is still a battle that sometimes I wish I didn’t have to fight but it is also making me the women that I want to be in the Lord. It has really shown me what faith it. Sometimes, we ask God to take things away,to heal us and it just doesn’t always happen. I can’t answer this question but I do know with my whole being that God is loving,merciful,our healer and always good. We just have to keep the faith…even in our darkest hours. Satan would love to see this destroy me but it only will if I give it the power to…it’s my choice.

This is still a battle that I am fighting and one that is still hard but this week God just kept saying…

“surrender your body,your dreams,your future and every part of yourself to me”

Every time I think about Gods character I began to tear up. I am a sinner and I have doubted him. Only God knows the deepest parts of me. The parts that are good but also the parts that are shameful yet he still loves me and in my darkest hours beckons me back to him.

a few weeks ago one of my doctors asked me with everything that I was going through what kept me still believing…I had to think a moment about this question but then I realized that what I suffer would never amount to the suffering that the Lord did for me. If this was all I had to suffer for him then wasn’t I lucky really? I have so many things to be thankful for. I have been given a beautiful life.

When we believe in something aren’t we willing to die for that thing? We don’t simply walk away from that thing when it gets hard. Some people are willing to strap a bomb to themselves and die for what they believe in. I want to have the integrity to say that I would do the same for my Savior. I gave my heart to the Lord long ago and I truly never want it back. This life is all his. 

Only some of you know the details to this story. They are not details that I am comfortable putting on the internet but please continue praying that the Lord would continue doing a work in me. Please pray for wisdom for the doctors that I will be seeing in the future and for Gods healing touch.

I am truly thankful for the friends and family that have stood by me during this time. My mom has been one of my biggest supports and I will always be grateful for her. My aunt Tamara who is willing to come over at night and talk to me about everything that is going on and lovingly support me. One of my best friends Valerie who let me spend a week with her in Texas and who is always willing to talk to me about whatever is going on and shows me great support. Kristen Berg who is one of my biggest prayer warriors who has challenged me in ways that have truly blessed me and been a big part of this growing and refining time with God. Teas,whose weekly phone calls has been such an encouragement.  I could list a million names here but you all know who you are. I am truly blessed by the people that God has blessed me with.

Thank you for reading and I will be posting an update soon!