I Dont Want to be Afraid of Midnight Anymore

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”
― Jim Morrison

“I have always wanted to be brave, but I am not. My fears challenge me and threaten to over take my every being. I shiver in there presence, there memory becoming my key holder. I am held captive in my own world of lost desires.
I want to run, escape this lie that has become my fate. When did I become a prisoner at my own will? It is I who holds the key…”

I have always wanted to be brave. I simply have to do the right thing and pray that bravery follows. I no longer want to fear my circumstances or my present future. Unfortunately, we cannot always avoid the thing that we fear. We must face it, live it, so we can say that we lived through it. Only then may we live a life where fear is powerless. Is this possible? Sometimes I am afraid not but isn’t that just another fear? fear itself.

Through fear I am beginning to understand everything that God says he is and as his child beginning to see everything that I am.By understanding what it means to have authority we slay fear. No burden has been placed on my shoulders. No fear, no disease, no hurt, no trial has been given to me alone. I want to taste the sweet nectar of freedom. I want to walk in the hope that it has to offer me. I want to live a life fully abandoned to what God has, whatever that may be. Bravery isn’t being fearless, it’s facing them. I am brave.

Fix You

Dear blog family,

it has been a while since I have posted. The lord has definitely had me on a journey these past few months. To be completely honest the past few months I have been dealing with depression,doubt and completely re-thinking life. This season has been one of the hardest but one that has been so completely humbling. 

I have posted a few times about the health problems that I have been facing the past few years. Some of which I have been dealing with my entire life. To make a long and complicated story short some of these problems went away last year and have been gone…until now. This really brought me into a place of fear and made me question the work that I thought the Lord did in me. Was I not healed and if I was what did I do to make the Lord take it back?

I pondered these questions for a few weeks. Satan began speaking lies into my life. I began to fear him and even wondered if the lies he was speaking to me was in the end going to come true. Was he really going destroy me like he was threatening to? Every day became a battle. I was not eating,I was not sleeping,the tears would not subside and my body was beginning to slowly turn against me.

Through this time I began to fall on my face before the Lord and literally crawl to the cross. I started confessing my sins to the Lord and asking him for his love,mercy and forgiveness. I don’t think I could even begin to find the words to describe this point in my life that was completely broken yet almost peaceful. I mean, there was nothing peaceful about this battle yet deep in my heart I knew there was something stronger that I knew wouldn’t stop fighting for me. I had to believe that.

I continued to ask God Why. Why was this happening to me? Why would he allow such suffering? When would it end? I will never forget the moment that I walked up to my mother with fearful tears in my eyes and asked her if it was true that God would never give me more than I could handle…was it possible for me to be strong enough to bare this? I felt as though I was hitting rock bottom but during those dark moments there was always a certain peace that made the next day possible for me to continue.

I began asking the Lord to show me his promises for me. I am now trying to go back and write these promises out so that I will never forget them. I felt the Lord give me so many but here are a few that will always be so fresh on my mind…

“Beloved, I want you to fight for it” 

“You think that I did a good work in you before but wait until I finish it”

“I will restore you and redeem you”

“Beloved, this has never held you back. You lack nothing”

“Beloved,you are no longer broken,you are no longer captive”

“You are forgiven”

This process has really been a refining moment for me. This is still a battle that sometimes I wish I didn’t have to fight but it is also making me the women that I want to be in the Lord. It has really shown me what faith it. Sometimes, we ask God to take things away,to heal us and it just doesn’t always happen. I can’t answer this question but I do know with my whole being that God is loving,merciful,our healer and always good. We just have to keep the faith…even in our darkest hours. Satan would love to see this destroy me but it only will if I give it the power to…it’s my choice.

This is still a battle that I am fighting and one that is still hard but this week God just kept saying…

“surrender your body,your dreams,your future and every part of yourself to me”

Every time I think about Gods character I began to tear up. I am a sinner and I have doubted him. Only God knows the deepest parts of me. The parts that are good but also the parts that are shameful yet he still loves me and in my darkest hours beckons me back to him.

a few weeks ago one of my doctors asked me with everything that I was going through what kept me still believing…I had to think a moment about this question but then I realized that what I suffer would never amount to the suffering that the Lord did for me. If this was all I had to suffer for him then wasn’t I lucky really? I have so many things to be thankful for. I have been given a beautiful life.

When we believe in something aren’t we willing to die for that thing? We don’t simply walk away from that thing when it gets hard. Some people are willing to strap a bomb to themselves and die for what they believe in. I want to have the integrity to say that I would do the same for my Savior. I gave my heart to the Lord long ago and I truly never want it back. This life is all his. 

Only some of you know the details to this story. They are not details that I am comfortable putting on the internet but please continue praying that the Lord would continue doing a work in me. Please pray for wisdom for the doctors that I will be seeing in the future and for Gods healing touch.

I am truly thankful for the friends and family that have stood by me during this time. My mom has been one of my biggest supports and I will always be grateful for her. My aunt Tamara who is willing to come over at night and talk to me about everything that is going on and lovingly support me. One of my best friends Valerie who let me spend a week with her in Texas and who is always willing to talk to me about whatever is going on and shows me great support. Kristen Berg who is one of my biggest prayer warriors who has challenged me in ways that have truly blessed me and been a big part of this growing and refining time with God. Teas,whose weekly phone calls has been such an encouragement.  I could list a million names here but you all know who you are. I am truly blessed by the people that God has blessed me with.

Thank you for reading and I will be posting an update soon!

I wish that I was able to write that which I cannot say.

Trust is the only way we’ll ever find out what tomorrow holds…

“Oh, give Thy servant patience to be still,
And bear Thy will;
Courage to venture wholly on the arm
That will not harm;
The wisdom that will never let me stray
Out of my way;
The love that, now afflicting, knoweth best
When I should rest.”

What a journey it has been. Most of you know at least a little about this journey. My idea of success has changed dramatically since I have stepped into this life of self-sacrifice. I have been working with YWAM (Youth With A Mission) for the past two years. I have been blessed to be able to experiences other countries and their cultures. I have walked the red light district in Thailand handing out roses to the prostitutes,Had a cup of coffee with a few college students from China,Held a beautiful orphan girl in Ukraine. My heart will never beat the same way again. That sounds ridiculous but before these experiences I had no idea what my heart was beating for and now it beats for more than I ever thought it could. It beats for the orphans,the prostitutes,the lonely and the forgotten.

I am now on staff with YWAM Orlando. I love this ministry and what they stand for. I believe in this base,these people and what God is doing through every soul that steps foot there. God has also called me to go to Turkey next year for a year. I have so many dreams,passions and hopes for this next year of my life. It’s scary and not easy but I know the Lord is faithful. He has given me these dreams and this passion. I have heard his voice call my name and I know that I have nothing to fear. His righteousness will always surround me.

My heart longs to hold a little baby girl with no mother,to look into the eyes of a prostitute and tell her she is worthy,to bring love and understanding to the Muslim nation,to live a life that is no longer mine but for the person who so graciously gave it to me. This is what my heart beats for,this is all I ever want to do…wherever home is for me.

I of course cannot do this alone. I need your support prayerfully and also financially. My goal is to raise 1,500 monthly support by January 2012 for the next year while I am in Turkey (April 2012-April 2013). It seems like an impossible goal in my eyes but in the Lords it is pennies. I am holding his sweet promises close to my heart in times of doubt. His comfort and peace has been so overwhelming. I hear him say He has called and to not trust in my own understanding but His alone. I know God will provide.

Readers, I would like for you to prayerfully consider partnering with me in this next step financially. Nothing is to small but a gift that God can and will multiply. If you are interested in partnering with me monthly or with a one time gift and would like more details please contact me through my email miller1290@gmail.com. My webpage is http://www.ywamorlando.com/admiller

Thank you for your love and support!

Some of my Favorite Poetry

“If you care about something you have to protect it – If you’re lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it.”
― John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”
― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets: Cien sonetos de amor

“Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt, use it-don’t cheat with it.”
― Ernest Hemingway

“Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing.”
— Eve Ensler

“I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful”

“I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it,Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you”

“When I like people immensely I never tell their names to anyone. It is like surrendering a part of them. I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvelous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it”

“You don’t know the meaning of the word, Charles. You can love, perhaps for a year, a month, a day, even for an hour. And in that hour I do believe you love as well and deeply… as any man. But after that hour, you love not! You love another, and then another…

“If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

“If he loved you with all the power of his soul for a whole lifetime, he couldn’t love you as much as I do in a single day.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

“I have to remind myself to breathe — almost to remind my heart to beat!”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

“My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I’m well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Healthcliff! He’s always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

“I’m wearying to escape into that glorious world, and to be always there; not seeing it dimly through tears, and yearning for it through the walls of an aching heart; but really with it, and in it.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then. ”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says “Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

“I don’t think…” then you shouldn’t talk, said the Hatter.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.”
― Lewis Carroll

“Sometimes when I am lonely, and when I am doing something that I am unsure and afraid of, I like to imagine that you are standing there right beside me”

You Cannot Paint

“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced for self is the only prison that can bind the soul…”

My Focus has become weak, my sleep has become distant and my certainty has become silence. A simple task has become equivalent to writing a book. I feel as though I am standing in a interrogation room and the spotlight is on me. When I run you chase, when I beg for your silence you mock me. You know every moment, every emotion. Nothing is hidden, nothing is left untouched. There are pictures and files spread across the table…my memories ,my thoughts. How did you get them? I try to turn away but you are always there.

You hold up a picture of my father. These pictures are all to familiar. They aren’t the happy kind but the ones that I keep secret. These are the memories that I try to forget. You remind me of every word, every fear, every regret. You call me a coward of a daughter. I left him alone, I abandoned him. You tell me that I hurt him and broke his heart. I look up at you with tears in my eyes only to see shame in yours…

You show me another picture and my soul finds peace. I know these people. This photo reminds me of the safety and love that I was able to find again when I almost lost it. I can only smile at these people smiling back at me in the picture…if only it wasn’t just a picture…if only you were tangible. As I hold this picture close you remind me of loss. You remind me how fast someone can be taken away or how fast someone can choose to walk away. When I look back at the photo the faces begin to fade…

The room is getting louder. I hear the sound of a baby crying. There isn’t a memory to go with this sound but something that I don’t recognize. My heart begins to hurt. It is not a physical pain nor a mental one…It is one that I don’t yet understand.

As I go towards the child you grab my arm and I feel paralyzed. You tell me that I can’t go,that I won’t leave. I break free from you determined to run. You laugh and say that I won’t go. When I turn to take a step forward I stop, I can’t move. You released me…why can’t I move. The room becomes crowded with movement and sounds. I can’t escape. I fall to the ground with my face buried in my hands. The room is so loud but I can still hear your voice. Your calling out every fear, every insecurity, every secret. How do you know me?

The noise stops. I look up to see your shadow standing over me. I see your hand beckon me over to the light. I was stunned when I saw the person standing in front of me. I fell to my knees in complete shock when I realized that this person was indeed myself..

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“–so long as I get SOMEWHERE,”
(Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

I’ll make it Without you

Yaya geçidi

“Have you ever gone down a road, far down and wondered, maybe it wasn’t what you want?”

Does one ever really know what he or she wants? I have tried to embody a care free spirit. I want to take all the things in life that bring me stress and throw them into the wind. I want to prance around like a little nine year old girl and make things happen, just by smiling. I don’t think this is going to happen…

I am not lazy, and I’m not trying to rid my life of reality, I just don’t want to second guess myself. I’m tired of the pain of trying to hold on to life, because it’s waving goodbye before I am ready to leave the party.

This morning as I was getting ready for work and sipping my coffee, I started thinking about moving to Turkey next year. (It’s official) I asked myself how I was going to move away from the ones that I love and move to a place that I hope to love but somehow connect them both. I don’t want to sacrifice one life for another. The part of my personality that is stubborn won’t allow it. I will simply figure out how to make them work together and be friends…but how?

I asked myself how one becomes this nine year old but also perfects being in two places at once. (Yes, I think through and sometimes over think a lot)

There are many people that I love in this world but only few with pieces of my heart. I don’t mean this in a cheesy way but almost literal. Of course I can’t actually give them pieces of my heart. I am sure this would kill me and make a huge mess that I don’t really care to clean up. I mean it in the sense that these few people I will always come home to. Whether that be in London, Thailand, San Francisco, Turkey or South Carolina. My heart will always be drawn to the place that they dwell and it will always find them.

problem solved? Whose to know when it comes to life. I do know one thing though…the ones who carry those pieces will always be very special to me and I always apart of my life.

I am ready for this advanture. When I think about it my care free nine year old girl comes out and all I can do is smile and think of the possibilities. I completely forget about possible and I am drawn to risking going down the road of “impossible”. This has to be right because I like the person that I am when this is the path that I am on. Wrong or right I am willing to try it anyways…doesn’t that count for something?

Perfection

I had a Dream…

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I’m supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I’m old and feeling grey. I don’t know what’s left to say about this life I’m willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there’s many tales I’ve lived to tell. I’m ready now, I’m ready now, I’m ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream